Manchester United are definitely signing Sandro Tonali this summer after Newcastle announced a truly revolutionary transfer ‘shake-up’.

Also, there is a challenge to the apparently real “narrative” that Spurs are “too good for” Roberto De Zerbi and not the other way around.

And we have some England nonsense too, like Thomas Tuchel digging out Arsenal for their injury withdrawals.

Zerb your enthusiasm

There are a great many reasons to enjoy this, the MailOnline‘s lead story on Tuesday morning:

‘Ex-Spurs stars SPLIT over Roberto De Zerbi: One former player fears he isn’t the ‘safe pair of hands’ Tottenham needs – but another tells fans to ‘stop moaning’ about Italian’s imminent arrival’

1) The random shouting to feign surprise that some people are SPLIT over whether the appointment of a contentious but brilliant manager to an absurd football club in a hilarious relegation battleis actually a good idea with seven games of the season remaining.

2) The denomination of Danny Murphy, Tim Sherwood, Jamie O’Hara and Darren Bent as ‘ex-Spurs stars’.

3) The idea that those four disagreeing constitutes the biggest story in world football.

4) O’Hara entirely fabricating something – “I don’t get the narrative that we think we are too good for Roberto De Zerbi. It’s crazy” – while ignoring the Mason Greenwood-shaped elephant in the room.

Perhaps the same definitely real people who think Spurs “are too good for Roberto De Zerbi” also believe starting 28 games for a club in six years makes you one of their former ‘stars’.

Insult to injuries

In terms of actual narratives that exist, the Arsenal international injury withdrawal one is perfect to drag us through this barren fortnight.

Despite it having been common practice for at least a couple of decades, the worldwide memory-wiping that takes place before every international break has proven mightily effective and means that Arsenal officially are the first team ever to have a few players pull out of duty for their countries.

The current number of 11 withdrawals is comically high but also all of the ‘affected’ nations are only playing in friendlies otherwise widely derided as meaningless and unnecessary, especially in the middle of a congested club season in which Arsenal happen to have played more games than basically anyone.

And sod arguments about player welfare when Gabby Agbonlahor can be reeled out to vaguely legitimise the tiresome argument that all those international injury withdrawals must be blocked from playing in Arsenal’s next game.

Those weeds are not worth getting into, so instead we will take a look at The Sun websiteclaiming that ‘England manager Thomas Tuchel questions ‘suspicious’ mass drop-out of Arsenal stars from international camps’.

It is fairly obviously a thing that hasn’t happened. Tuchel made a mistake and apologised for itwhen referencing how his mother found some of Jude Bellingham’s behaviour “a bit repulsive”, and the manager has been awfully careful when speaking in his second language since.

But he’s decided to sack that wariness off to indulge in some Arsenal-baiting conspiracy theory nonsense? Of course he has.

Let’s see how he ‘questions ‘suspicious’ mass drop-out of Arsenal stars from international camps’ for ourselves, shall we?

“I understand the looks of it. I still have 100% trust in the honesty of Bukayo and Declan. We did medical tests. I saw them. I have no reason to believe that Declan is not honest with me. I have no reason to believe Bukayo is not honest.?But given the amount of Arsenal players, I understand the look. Everyone can do the maths, it’s a lot of players, of course. Given the situation at Arsenal, it looks a bit suspicious but I can only talk for our players.”

It sounds like Tuchel understands The Optics of the situation, but also completely trusts the players he works with, probably because they are Declan Rice and Bukayo Saka, hardly renowned for their nefariousness or deception.

He quite specifically did not ‘question ‘suspicious’ mass drop-out of Arsenal stars from international camps’; he “can only talk for our players” and then have those words twisted.

Ton deaf

The Sun websitealso brings us this:

‘Man Utd in Tonali transfer boost as Newcastle chief hints at shake-up’

It is upgraded to ‘a major Sandro Tonali transfer boost’ in the first paragraph, and unfortunately only explained as late as the eighth by these non-Tonali-specific quotes from CEO David Hopkinson for…reasons:

“We think through what players might or might not want to do this summer. But if an Isak-like scenario presents itself again, any player under contract is going to leave on our terms and we’re going to maximise the opportunity that might represent for the club.”

Feels like more a statement of the transfer obvious than a ‘major transfer boost’. Also doesn’t mention Tonali whatsoever, which feels sub-optimal for a story sold entirely on him and Manchester United (who are referred to twice in the copy).

As for this Newcastle ‘shake-up’, their “strategy going forward” is “to buy well and sell well”. It’ll never catch on.

What the Ell

Back to the MailOnlinewe go for this big reveal:

‘Revealed: How England convinced Elliot Anderson to choose them over Scotland – as Man United target opens up on TWO key moments in his rise’

Finally, an answer to the mystery as to how England beat Scotland in the pursuit of an obviously very good player’s international allegiance.

Did they promise him a lifetime’s supply of Greggs and Newcastle Brown Ale? Or promise he could room with Harry Maguire forever?

Alas, not quite.

“I had a meeting with Lee (Carsley) and it went really well. He just said ‘I really believe in what you’ve got and I think you can get there’. I believed in myself, but hearing it from someone who works within England was nice.”

England really did pull out all the stops. It’s a wonder Anderson resisted for so long.

Mail it in

Writes Oliver Holt in the Daily Mail:

‘But the time for playing power games is over now. The time for posturing and manoeuvring is gone. We are [sic] the business end of the build-up to the World Cup and it feels absurd that there should be any doubt over whether Bellingham, if fully fit, should start England’s opening game against Croatia in Dallas on June 17.’

Indeed. Once we find whoever was responsible for giving such an ‘absurd’ notion the time of day, they ought to be suitably reprimanded.

Awful imagery

‘Keys reveals ‘best Christmas of my life’ with tin of tuna after being shunned’

Cheers for that, Sun website.